Job proofing your marriage

If you follow me on twitter you know this week I was looking for a police wife topic to blog about and unfortunately I found one. Almost immediately after tweeting I heard some very sad news. A friend of mine who is also a police wife is getting a divorce. I don't talk about this very much, but I co-direct a group for First Responder Spouses. Through this group I heard of 2 more divorces in the community occurring now. I have already mentioned before that in the police community we face divorce rates averaging between 66% and 75%. That is astonishing. All us police wives know to watch out for Badge Bunnies and Beat Wives, but what about everything else?

Now, I do not in any way want to belittle those who are going through a divorce. In the case of my friend there is nothing she could have done. I also don't want to act like 5ohHubby and I have it all together, even if I do write him love notes. We still have fights, just like another other couple.

Exhibit A

This one is actually my fault. I never do the laundry.

What I DO do is be a part of a group that helps me to understand him and his job. I read articles about things like police marriage and domestic failure, how to have happy police marriages, and police PTSD.

I make sure that even when my husband is tired we keep God central in our lives through church and small groups. If you can not go to both because of shift hours, i suggest going to at least one or the other. And just because your husband can't make it, doesn't mean you cant. I see a dramatic difference in our marriage when we are regularly involved spiritually with one another.

I read books like Emotional survival for law enforcement: A guide for officers and their families
by Dr. Kevin Gilmartin and I Love a Cop  by Dr Ellen Kirschman.

I personally have sat in on seminars by Dr. Gilmartin and many other events that are pro-marriage that have come around. Both Dr. Gilmartin and Dr. Kirschman do traveling speaking engagements so you can look them up.

Now, granted, 5ohHubby doesn't have problems at work, hasn't been involved in a shooting, and is fairly new to the force (about 3 years). But that doesn't mean these books and articles don't apply to us. We soak up all the knowledge like to sponges and try to learn from what has worked and hasn't worked for other officers.

We take preventative measures. Sure, 5ohHubby and I like a good glass or two of wine every now and again, but he never drinks to come down after work. Never. Sure, he in no way relies on alcohol now but many first responders do, and we don't want that to happen to us. We looked and looked for a small group that fit us but couldn't be a part of the couple small group at church because of his shift. We tried out an older couple small group but just didn't relate. We tried out a small group based on our age but realized we really just needed a small group of couples our age. So we started one. We realized we were zoning out on TV after 5ohBaby went to bed so we... well, we still haven't done anything about that. But we're a work in progress.

I'm not saying we are perfect. Far from it. What I am saying it is important to know that it can happen to you just as quickly as it happens to someone else. That little things you deal with now are the things that become huge in the end.That marriage takes work and doesn't just happen.

I have TONS of resources, so if you are having trouble, whether your spouse agrees or not, or if you'd just like to delve a little deeper, feel free to contact me via email or comment on this post. I love my husband and I love his job (and he looooooooves his job). I want to do everything I can to continue to support him-- and also to support other wives out there!