Thoughts

There's no other way around it... this has been a rough week and my mind has been racing . I lost a good friend of mine, a woman in my first responder wives group lost her battle with cancer, and a good friend of 5ohHubby's beat partner was shot and killed in the line of duty  on Thursday. 5ohHubby went back to work on Friday and I was just lost in thought.

As I was feeding 5ohBaby her banana and blueberries, I thought about my friend. I thought about how truly blessed I was to be here. I thought about all the fun times we had. I thought about how fun times had turned dark... for both of us. I thought about how close I had come to not having any of this. Too close. I thought about how it could just have easily have been my friend sitting here married with a baby and I could just have easily have been the one who didn't make it. I thought about how I should've done things differently.  I couldn't help but question why some people make it out and some people are lost.

Why her and not me?

As 5ohHubby played with 5ohBaby in the last moments before he left- just to get in as much time as he could with her- I thought of the woman from my group. I thought about how she had tried to hang on to just see her sweet grandchild, and how she hadn't quite made it. I thought about the absurd fact that both of 5ohBaby's biological grandfathers are alive and have never met her and never will. They are both men who have chosen themselves over their families and I thought about how much the woman from my group would have given to be able to have the opportunity they have given up.

Why do some people miss out on opportunities others willingly give up?

As 5ohHubby packed his bag for work I thought about the path we had taken to get here. I thought about his schooling, where he graduated top of his class, always knowing this was the line of work he wanted to be in. I thought about his internship where he soaked up everything he could working with a state department of law enforcement. I thought about the academy where he worked so hard, studied every night and had me help him go over his flashcards and practice his DT ouch. I thought of the training he received on FTO- he had a lot of awesome officers to learn from and he took it very seriously. I thought about all the hours of experience he had gained over the past 3 years. I thought about all the training he received.

I have to have faith in that training, don't I?

I must confess, when his hand hit the doorknob, I started to spiral, if only for a moment. I couldn't help but think about Officer James Capoot. I thought about how he had far more training than my husband. How he was an ex-marine, a CHP officer, a city officer, a coach, a husband, a father. I thought of his wife, how just the day before, not that far away, she had probably shared this same moment with her husband. I thought about how she had probably said the same words "I love you... Be safe." Then, it hit me like a slap in the face that I, too, could have the same horrible day she had. Get that same, terrifying knock on the door. Look through the peephole and see your friends, the other officers, and just know. I thought about the children he left behind, what their lives would look like now. I thought about how I would ever be able to explain it to 5ohBaby. It could so easily have been him... I almost wanted to ask him to stay home.

With all the death I had encountered this week, how could I just watch him walk out the door knowing I might never see him again?

Then I thought about how when I met 5ohHubby, I knew he would never work a 9 to 5. I thought about how if he wasn't the type of man willing to walk out that door knowing what he would be facing, then he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. I thought about how proud I was that he puts his life on the line in this more often than not thankless job over and over and over. I thought about God. I thought about how 5ohHubby, my friend, the woman from my group, the officer and his family, 5ohBaby and I are ALL in God's hands. I thought about how even though we may make bad choices, even though there is hurt, sickness, pain and death, even though it may seem impossible, God uses all this for His good.

I wish I had a way to wrap this post up in a pretty little bow, but I just don't. There is pain, there is hurt, there is loss. It isn't pretty. I'm grieving, friends are grieving, the families are grieving. 5ohHubby will still put on that badge and walk out that door for as long as they'll let him. And I'll still be so incredibly proud of him. I don't know the reason why any of these things happened. I can't answer the burning why? for myself or for any of these families.

I can only let go and let God.

And I haven't thought twice about it.