But somewhere along the way, I started getting this uneasy feeling and it was two fold: 1.) If just anyone could buy an ad off of my blog (or win an ad I had given away) I kinda had no say in what my blog started to stand for. This was especially true when you start to consider the ad space included giveaways and guest posts. Not that that I knowingly did anything I felt was wrong or straight up disagreed with.. it just wasn't always what I would have done. And 2.)
And then it started to seem like everyone was promoting the right way to blog and the why you should blog and the how you can make money and the you too can be a famous blogger! It just all started to give me a bad taste in my mouth. And in September I honestly thought about being drastic and crazy and just shuttingitalldown. But I decided to just hold out and wait for the Influence Conference and in one of the very first sessions Hayley looked out into a crowd of bloggers looking at the strategy side of things and said "Even if you somehow do become a famous blogger... you're still just a famous blogger." And that was when I decided that I was on the life track of Influence.. not the strategy track. And then Jami looked into a crowd of us Jesus-loving-bible-thumping-bloggers and talked about idols and posed the question If Paul was here today and started clicking through blog to blog and found yours.. what would he see?... What the blogging world doesn't need is a bunch of people claiming to be believers, running around trying to build their own name. And I sat there convicted and thought Yes! Yes! Yes!
But I made no changes because I had an unrepentant heart. You see, when 2012 began, I had maybe 130 followers. I made it my goal to double that by the end of 2012. I was, and am still, seriously shocked by the idea that I actually octupled it
INFLUENCE IN MY HOME.
And I have sinfully neglected that. I chose a good thing over a better thing. I chose to look at social media instead of being totally and completely present here with 5ohBig. I chose to write blog posts during naptime because people had so graciously spent their hard earned money on an ad space on my blog and I owed them that instead of keeping up with my housewifey duties
And I straight up lost my joy... both in my online life and my real life. My blog feels forced sometimes and my husband and baby and home are neglected sometimes and my real life friendships are wearing thin and it's all feeling kind of dumb because I never wanted to be a business woman. And that's an ok thing. I am crazy blessed to be a wife and a stay at home mama and I feel like I have been choosing other really-good-and-not-sinful-for-everyone-but-sinful-for-me things over my first ministry- my family and my home.
But no more, I repent. I repent of the idea that if God wants me to have Influence and speak life into other women (which I love doing) then I am going to have to be sacrificing my home life for it. THIS IS NOT TRUE FOR EVERYONE but I have been talking to God about this a lot and I'm telling y'all this is true for me.
So, for now, I have stopped all advertising. Not because I don't like any of my sponsors but because I don't like what sponsorship was doing to my heart. So, instead, my sidebar is going to be full of women that haven't paid me a dime. See these ladies over here on the right?
As for me? I'm not really sure what this will all look like here on the blog. I still love the blog and love the community and love writing. I'm still going to be a part of The Influence Network but because I want to grow Jesus' name here and not my own. Will I lose pageviews? Probably. Will I lose followers? Maybe. Will I lose money? Most definitely But I need to take a step back and I think that's ok. Because when I step back from this world I'll be stepping back into my real world and it's pretty darn awesome here.